


Skip and Hop

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [38]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Batfamily, Bruce learns a thing, Crack, Damian and Colin as Little Megalomaniacs, Damian does more adorable (dark) magic, Dick gives wholesome advice, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Jason loves his weapons, Jason sees his family as a sitcom, Magic-Users, Raven loves her apprentice, Tim guards his buttocks, or two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 03:32:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19040293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Damian delves deeper into the realm of magic.Dick forces Bruce to delve deeper into his feelings.Tim is as scandalous as can be,and Jason is a big ol' softie.





	Skip and Hop

Bruce looked up from his morning coffee to see Damian stumble in, sleepily rubbing his eyes and yawning aggressively.

"Good morn, father," Damian muttered, and slid into a chair.

"Good morning, Damian," Bruce said, concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"

Damian stretched and sneakily struck an inviting hug position to lure Dick over. Seeing tiny Dami all tuckered out and clearly in need of Love, Dick lunged forward and enveloped Damian in his every-ready All Purpose Hugging Arms. Bruce rolled his eyes at the sight, and was punished for his rudeness by an errant Love Wave that radiated off of Dick and hit him across the face.

"What in the-!"

"Must be a draft," Tim said, sliding over. "I'll close the window. After all, Gotham air isn't the best for you."

"Well played, Drake," Damian hissed sleepily, still snug against Dick's chest.

"Mucho danke, snuggle slug," Tim whispered back.

Damian swatted half-heartedly at Tim befor the effort tired him out, and he fell properly asleep, his head lolling against Dick's shoulder.

"Poor Dami," Dick cried, "he's all tired from the summoning rituals he was doing last night!"

Bruce startled. "Summoning? Summoning what?"

“His familiar."

Everyone turned to see Raven swooping into the dining room. She took Damian from from Dick and sat down, allowing Dick to focus his energies on (1) Tim, and (2) pancakes for Tim.

"Damian is in the process of summoning his magical familiar. It is a spirit guide which will take the form of an animal that is a representation of his soul. It will manifest whenever he calls upon his magic, and guide his spellwork during battle, since I cannot always be there with him."

Bruce mused on the idea. "An extra set of eyes in battle would be an advantage."

"You're so smart and caring, Rae," Dick said in awe, and made a valiant effort in stuffing her face with pancakes.

Raven quickly transformed into a bird of her namesake, and flapped over to hide underneath Tim's tiny, sheer dressing gown.

"Tickly feathers!" Tim shrieked.

"Caw," Raven replied, sounding completely unrepentant. Damian, to his credit, continued to sleep through the commotion, draped across the chair.

Just then, Jason swaned in, his mood chipper from the phenomenal sex he had had the previous night. Married person sex with Roy was awesome, he thought happily. "Hey fam," Jason said, and went to sit down, only for Dick to shriek and throw himself at Jason, tackling him to the ground.

"What the heck," Jason muttered, knocked out on the floor, looking disbelievingly at Dick. "Has your need for affection made you rabid or something?"

"Jay, you almost sat on poor Dami!" Dick cried, pointing to the chair that Damian was curled up in like a tiny, murderous, kitten.

Jason goggled. "The hell. That kid is way too small. Dick, you should give him more milk."

"I do," Dick insisted. "Twice a day, with almonds and honey and-"

"Forget I said anything."

"-a dash of cardamom-"

"Dick, oh my god, shut up," Jason said, rolling over to squish his older brother under his considerable bulk. Dick subsided with a squeal.

"Success!" Jason beamed. "Now Dick, I'll let you up if you promise to quit your gooeyness. I don't need it this early in the morning."

"Mmmph!" Dick flailed eagerly.

True to his word, Jason got up, and Dick sprang up right beside him, beaming at him like a vapid bumblebee. "Argh," Jason said, creeped out by Dick's ever-present Little Wing Love-o-meter, and scurried away to take a seat next to Tim.

"Yo Timbo, you've got a baby bump," he said, poking the bulge under Tim's nightie.

Bruce struggled to not perish at once.

"It's Raven!" Tim squeaked, affronted at the idea that anyone but Kon could knock him up.

Jason goggled. "Raven got you pregnant?"

Bruce wept for the loss of his sanity.

"No, moron," Tim said, and lifted his robe to reveal Raven, in raven form, glaring up at Jason.

"Caw," Raven cursed Jason.

Jason, who did not speak the avian tongue, grinned. "Hey Rae-rae. You stay over for Damian's ritual last night?"

"Caw." Translation: How perceptive, Jason, yes I did.

"How'd it go?"

"Caw caw caw-" Translation: We are almost in contact with his spirit guide. He will need one final meditative ritual to achieve the - wait, why am I telling you, I'm a bird, and you're probably thinking of having chicken for lunch! Argh!

Raven transformed back and glared at Jason with all of the demonic energy she could summon in her five foot two inch body.

"You were planning on eating me," she growled.

"What can I say, I'm a growing boy," Jason grinned. "Plus, Damian won't let us eat the chicken."

"Stop trying to eat your brother's pets, Jason," Bruce sniffed.

Having finished dishing up his pancake feast, Dick picked Damian up to put him back to bed. "Poor Dami," he cooed, and slathered him with affection. In his sleep, Damian smiled evilly, and snuffled into Dick's shoulder like a tiny, sword-toting, hamster. "I'll wake him up in a few hours. What's the next ritual, Rae?"

"Meditation," she replied, cruelly stealing the maple syrup and leaving Jason with dry-ass pancakes. "I plan to do it at twilight."

"I'll twi your light," Jason muttered, "gimme!" He cried, leaping to steal back the syrup, only to have Raven levitate it out of reach. A drop fell over the rim and splashed onto Tim's ivory skin.

Tim looked at his arm and immediately took off into dreamland where Kon would slather him in sticky, gooey, maple syrup and lick it off of his every pore, sending tingles of glee down Timmy's spine-

"Tim, stop," Bruce grunted, glaring at his son over the paper.

"Wasn't doing anything," Tim refuted.

"You were thinking it," Bruce correctly guessed. "Go to your room- no, wait - go to my room!"

"But your room is boring and has no laptop!"

"Precisely," Bruce said. "Reflect upon your sins and repent in silence," he directed.

"Can I repent in virtual reality?"

"No."

"I will invent my own!"

"With what equipment?"

"Bruce!" Tim cried, stomping his little foot in vain.

"Oooh I'm so threatened..."

Tim stomped upstairs - the effect mitigated by his bunny slippers - squeaking angrily about how he was going to get himself knocked up and wear all the cute dresses and be pretty and Bruce couldn't stop him.

Triumphant, Bruce sat back and chugged his coffee. No knocked up sons today, no sir.

"Hey, Tim dropped something," Jason said, picking up a slip of cloth. It turned out to be a garter that was...ripped. Chaotically so.

Bruce turned a very unappealing shade of puce. "TIM!"

There was a faint "Eep!" and the sound of a window being flung open. Seconds later, a tiny figure could be spotted running across the lawn, shouting, "I'm spending the day with Cobb!"

"Great job, Bruce," Jason grinned, "you've chased a sheer nightrobe wearing Tim straight into the hideout of the Talon, the centuries old most feared assassin in the world, and somehow, Tim's best friend."

Bruce groaned and took off after Tim. "Timothy Wayne, you get back here!"

Jason grinned. His family was so fun.

***

The fun continued when several hours later, Jason spotted Damian in his overlong sorcerer's robes, waddling down the stairs into the Batcave. Sporting a grinch-like grin, Jason followed, eager not to miss out on the shennanigans sure to follow.

Dick was already downstairs, ready to cheer Damian on in his summoning of his spirit guide. Colin was also present in his Harry Potter cosplay - he, somehow, was Harry - and was drawing strange runes on the floor in red sharpie.

"Mr. Wayne wouldn't allow us to use blood, and Ms. Raven said that marker was 'an adequate substitute'," he explained when Jason asked.

Damian took his seat in the middle of the runes, and then looked somberly up at Colin. "Are you ready, Colin? Today, we gain the fourth member of our group!"

"Fourth?" Bruce asked.

"Yes, fourth. So far it is I, Colin, and Little Kent. With my spirit guide manifesting, we will be one step closer to forming our own Justice League! BWA HA HA!"

"BWA HA HA," Colin echoed.

"I have never laughed like that in my life," Bruce said, "and I founded the Justice League."

"It is a new tradition, then," Damian said haugtily. "It lends ambience."

"Oh lord."

"I requre silence!" Damian screeched. "I shall now begin the chant."

Damain chanted. His voice, which he probably intended to be deep and sonorus, just sounded cute, squeaky and excited. Dick cooed quietly so as to not disturb the ritual. Mid-way, Raven came down and tapped Damian on the head.

"It's been four hours. Eat something."

"But I am not allowed to leave the circle, Mistress!" Damian said.

Raven held out a granola bar and fed Damian from outside the circle. "Don't move your hands," she said.

"Yeth Mithtreth," Damian said, his mouth full of oats and dried fruit.

The ritual recommenced, now that Damian had been fed and watered. The lights began to flicker as the power surrounding Damian began to intensify.

"It is happening!" Damian cried, jumping for joy. "My spirit guide is manifesting!"

There was a polite round of "applause" from Damian's riveted audience, which consisted of his cat, his dog, his fruit dragon, and his chicken. By applause, of course, they just made noises and flapped around a bit.

Dick was more effusive in his praise. "I'm so proud of you, Dami!" He called, waving a little hanky.

"Speak to me, Spirit Guide," Damian called, "join me on this mortal plane, so that we may share in each other's power, and know true magnificence-"

"Ribbit."

Everything stopped. The howling wind died down immediately, the lights stopped flickering, and Damian stood, his arms still raised, goggling at the small frog that had manifested out of thin air.

"Ribbit," the frog said again.

Damian's eyes bugged comically out of his head as he stared at the literal representation of his soul, gazing solemnly up at him, it's neck pouch bulging and deflating with each breath.

"W-what- I-" Damian stuttered, looking unsure.

"Congratulations, Damian," Raven said seriously.

Damian plopped down on his little butt in disbelief, now faced with the concrete proof that his soul incarnation was a tiny, green, bulbous frog.

"Oh my god," Tim whispered, tugging on Jason's sleeve. "Oh my god. Jason."

"I know, Tim. I know," Jason whispered back, overjoyed.

"Jay, its a frog. A literal frog. Didn't I always say-"

"-he looks like a little frog when he smiles," Jason completed his sentence. "Bless me Father, for today all my wishes have come true!" Jason wept, even as the frog hopped over onto Damian's leg, perching on his thigh.

"Ribbit," it said, blinking solemnly at Damian.

"Damian, your spirit guide is trying to communicate with you," Raven said. "Open your mind."

Damian shook himself out of his fugue and looked over at Dick, who beamed. "What a marvellous little guy!" Dick enthused, reaching over and stroking one finger beween the frog's eyes.

Immediately, the frog smiled, and in the process, resembled Damian to a tee.

"Jay!" Tim shrieked. "Get a camera!"

"I'm on it!" Jason yelled, clicking picture after picture.

Seeing that Dick didn't think any less of him for having an amphibious familiar, Damian mimicked the frog with his own grin. Tim wept with joy, his dreams coming true at last, his brother was the frog that he was always born to be.

The frog turned to look at Damian, who met it's protruding, orange eyes. "Ribbit ribbit," it said gravely. "Ribbit ribbit ribbit."

Damian gasped reverentially. "But of course! You are most wise, good Frog! I was a fool to doubt you!"

Tim fell over. "Jay, he can talk to frogs," he hissed. "Damian's a parselmouth! No - a froglemouth!"

"No, you twit," Jason said. "He has the Gift."

"What gift, Jay?"

Jason straightened. "He speaks...the Toad Tongue."

Raven descended upon the terrible twosome and slapped them before turning to Damian. "What did your guide say, Damian?"

"He told me...that size matters not in terms of capability, and that appearance often belies true lethality" Damian said, awed. "He is truly the paragon of wisdom."

"Ribbit ribbit."

Translation: Make the pretty one pet me.

"Drake or Grayson?"

"Ribbit."

Translation: Grayson.

"Grayson, the frog would like you to pet it again."

Dick obliged the frog, which flattened itself happily under his touch, looking like a puddle of smug green slime.

Colin came forward to pet the frog as well. "Hi Mr. Frog. What's your name?"

"Ribbit. Ribbit ribbit."

"Her name is Salferion The Infernal One," Damian translated, "and she is very pleased to meet you."

Salferion used her tongue to give Colin a sticky little lick that had the boy giggling. "Hi, Sally."

"Ribbit."

"Sally. Egads. Good grief," Damian complained. Then, "Oh no, she likes it."

Colin laughed and picked Sally up and then grabbed Damian's hand as they ran upstairs to show Alfred, who would be suitably impressed by the frog spirit, and would probably whip up a tasty bowl of spiders for her. The rest of Damian's menagerie followed them happily, hoping to score some snacks from Alfred as well.

"Oh great, another animal," Bruce grumbled. "We might as well build a barnyard and wear galoshes and get dirty in some mud while we're at it."

Tim immediately thought of muddy, dirty, sex with Kon.

Yay.

"Bruce you're so dramatic," Dick sniggered. "The frog's not even corporeal."

"You should be proud," Raven said, throwing a book at Bruce in defense of her apprentice, which he dodged. "It takes great focus and a strong magical core to summon a spirit guide."

"I am proud, you emo puddle," Bruce seethed, and ducked the conjured black flame Raven sent his way. "It's just...a demon frog!"

"Damian is descended from demons," Raven said. "He learns dark majicks. What did you expect - a hamster?"

"I just want him to be..."

"If you say 'normal', I will end your life."

Bruce glared. Before he could speak, Dick put a hand on his shoulder. "It's lovely that you want to relate to Dami's interests, Bruce," he said, correctly identifying Bruce's issue. "But that doesn't mean that you can project your ideals onto Damian."

"Could it be that Bruce is feeling left out, and his feelings festering into an inferiority complex, as his sons threaten to delve into fields that he is too pig-headed to study?" Jason asked, flush with the knowledge of his college psychology course.

"Or could it be that Bruce is scared of 'losing' Damian to an unknown field that he himself refuses to acknowledge, due to its 'dark' and 'meta' roots?" Tim piped up, having sat next to Jason for the entirety of Psychology 201.

"Bruce, if you make Damian feel bad about his magic, then I'll punch your ass so hard that it'll be concave, and you'll need a butt implant to ever sit down again," Jason threatened.

Bruce felt his bum cheeks squeeze together instinctively, but put on a brave face. "Jason Peter, how dare you threaten your father's bum!"

"I mean it, Bruce," Jason said, whipping out his brass knuckles. "Don't make me go down there!"

"Do it, do it," Raven whispered. She had never been very fond of Bruce.

"Bruce," Dick said sternly, "I won't allow you to take Dami's achievements from him because you think magic is bad. I know that you love your kids, and that a little reading up on the nature of dark magic won't hurt you any."

"It might, you never know," Bruce grumbled, but accepted the book Dick handed over to him. "'So Your Son Practices Dark Magic: An Introductory Guide,'" Bruce read. "And you just happened to have this on your person?" Bruce asked Dick blandly.

Dick giggled. "Oh no, I bought that when Dami started learning," he said. "He said that Terry might have an affinity to magic as well, but we haven't decided what type of magic he would be most comfortable with."

Everyone turned to look at Terry in his crib, giggling and laughing at a colony of bats that seemed to be equally amused by the human larva.

"I think we all know what kind of magic Terry would do," Jason snorted, even as a small bat landed on top of Terry's head and settled happily on top of it's new friend.

Mummy-bat told him to not approach the humans, but Jeremy-bat didn't make new friends easily, and the human larva was always nice to him.

And that was the story of how Terry made his first friend.

Bruce, predictably, was not happy, and set about trying to scare Jeremy-bat (no one actually knew his name apart from the colony) away, but Jeremy-bat stayed put.

"I...I..." Bruce looked lost as no one would listen to him. He picked up the book once more. "I suppose that I should read up," he admitted. "I want to be a good father to Damian."

Dick smiled gently. "You're already a good father, Bruce," he affirmed. "I'm glad that you're trying to be better informed for Damian. I'm sure that he'll appreciate it."

Bruce smiled, and accepted the hug that Dick gave him.

"Aw man, my little punchers won't see any action tonight," Jason mourned, stroking his brass knuckles. "Tomorrow, perhaps," he promised them quietly. "Unless, of course, Tim manages to phenomenally mess up and offend me by nightfall."

Tim squeaked, pulling his little skirt down to cover his pert arse, and ran away, with Jason following menacingly.

Bruce rolled his eyes at his delinquent middle sons and looked at the book that Dick had given him with some trepidation. "I'd better...start reading up then."

Dick squeaked happily and flung himself at Bruce. "I'm so proud of you for overcoming your ingrained fears and prejudices, Bruce! I'm sure Dami will appreciate this!"

"He'd better," Bruce mumbled, even as the book flapped open to a particularly sinister illustration (re: disembowelment) of it's own accord.

Bruce sighed, and started reading.

***

Later that night after patrol, Bruce was sat up in bed, reading the admittedly interesting book, when he saw the door crack open. "Father? Are you decent?"

"Yes, you don't have to ask," Bruce said, as Damian dashed in and squiggled under the covers.

"I do. Todd sleeps with only briefs in the summer. He is truly a boorish, hairy beast."

Bruce chuckled. "Well, I like my pajamas. Besides, Alfred likes to barge in in the mornings, and even though he likes to remind me that he used to bathe and diaper my tushy as a baby, I don't particularly want to display it now."

"Most wise," Damian yawned, and spied the book in Bruce's meaty fists. His eyes immediately narrowed in suspicion. "Father, why are you reading Grayson's book?"

"Well," Bruce said, putting the book aside in favor of drawing Damian closer to himself, "I was politely - and impolitely - informed today that I should take more of an interest in your chosen field. I'm sorry that it took me so long, but I can be a bit...difficult, I admit."

"Nonsense, father, you are no more difficult than Todd when he insists on holding my hand when we cross the road."

Bruce grinned. He hadn't known about Jason being quite so brotherly. He would let it slip tomorrow at breakfast and watch Jason squirm.

How sinister he was becoming, hoo hoo hoo.

"I still want to be there for you, Damian," Bruce said. "For all of your milestones."

Damian grinned, and yes, Bruce could see it now. He did look like a smug little frog. Speaking of which...

"Where is your, um, spirit frog?"

"Salferion has returned to the ether for the time being," Damian said nonchalantly. "She will return whenever we do battle."

"That's...nice."

Damian looked unbelivably smug and happy as he fell into a light snooze next to Bruce. For his part, Bruce looked tenderly at his youngest, and placed the lightest of kisses to the top of his spiky little head.

Bruce turned out the lights, content on a job well done.

***  
***

TIMMY'S FASHION BLOG

[Timmy's sheer dressing gown](https://www.amazon.com/Vivilover-Womens-Kimono-Lingerie-Nightgown/dp/B01AESAE8U/ref=sr_1_122?keywords=nightgown+with+robe+silk&qid=1558857124&s=gateway&sr=8-122)

[Timmy's garter](https://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Garter-Bridal-JW23-Flower/dp/B07PTCCRSP/ref=sr_1_41?crid=3MS2T0SK0408H&keywords=leg+garter&qid=1558876877&s=gateway&sprefix=leg+g%2Caps%2C348&sr=8-41)

[Timmy's very-mini skirt](https://www.amazon.com/Wedtrend-Womens-Versatile-Stretchy-WTC10021YellowXXL/dp/B07DMSFGKC/ref=sr_1_87?crid=292GSVAOERP78&keywords=womens%2Bmini%2Bskirt&qid=1559287184&s=gateway&sprefix=womans%2Bmini%2Caps%2C353&sr=8-87&th=1)


End file.
